The One Rule That Makes Forgiving Anyone Instantly Easier

Even when it feels impossible.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Forgiveness is tough. Sometimes it feels impossible. Someone hurts you. They betray you. They destroy your trust. What comes next changes your relationship with most people. You hold onto the pain. You replay the experience. You hold onto resentment. Maybe they never even apologized. But keeping that anger doesn’t punish them — it punishes you.

I came across a forgiveness rule that’s helping me let go of grudges, resentment and old wounds. “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” It’s from Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey’s book, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Yes. Give up hope of the past. You wanted something else. You wanted them to act differently.

But they didn’t. It happened. It’s done.

Let yourself off the hook.

You are carrying the weight. Not them. And it’s probably crushing you.”…giving up the hope that the past could have been any different,” makes the act of forgiving accessible.

They continue, “But we cannot move forward if we’re still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else. All of us who have been broken and scarred by trauma have the chance to turn those experiences into what Dr Perry and I have been talking about: Post Traumatic Wisdom. Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Step out of your history and into the path of your future.”

Forgiveness is hard because we keep playing the same experience in our heads. And wish things were different. We imagine alternative scenarios. We dwell on what could have been. But we torture ourselves in the process. No matter how much we wish things had played out differently, they didn’t.

So do yourself a favour: let go.

Or you will get dragged.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Author Lewis B. Smedes said that. It’s powerful. It’s also true.

You are the one trapped.

You are the one suffering. The only way forward is to let go. Even when you feel justified in your anger. Or believe they deserve your…